John Longmire, when interviewed ahead of the Round 1 Collingwood Sydney clash, thought that last year’s Grand Final could have been in Brisbane – and that if it had been, the Lions would have won. Or at least this is how it appeared once his words were conveyed via the various clickbait outlets.

It does however, raise the important question of whether enough was done by the AFL to stop Collingwood winning last year’s Grand Final?

The answer was definitely ‘No’ according to GWS Giant’s star Tom Green, who made his thoughts clear after last year’s Collingwood Giants prelim. When his teammate Toby Greene (no relation) got his ‘head ripped off’ in the last quarter, Green commented:

“If we can’t acknowledge that the competition is just inherently biased, what are we doing here?”

In fact, this theme of non-Victorian teams getting a rough deal has only really surfaced in the public discourse in the last year, while in reality the issue far predates the 2023 season. In fact, seven of the previous ten grand finals involved Victorian sides beating non-Victorian sides at the MCG. What is it about the 2023 season that suddenly made this imbalance so disgustingly unpalatable?

Well, because it was Collingwood that won.

And the AFL had a responsibility to stop that from happening and they failed in their duty of care.

Just like Brayden Maynard failed in his duty of care toward Angus Brayshaw with his violent attack, cleverly disguised as a mid air smother. The AFL should have identified this heinous atrocity, invented a new regulation on the spot and given him the death penalty.

Patrick Cripps and other clean, non-Collingwood thugs should, however, be exempt from this rule, because whenever they depart from duty of care protocols – for example by hammering a smaller opponent into the ground – this is ‘in the act of play’ and completely different. Those type of players deserve a Brownlow. But the Collingwood barbarian needs to get lethal injection.

I can see why Tom and Tony and the rest of the pearl clutching commentariat, led by Gary and Caro, felt that there was a horrifying Collingwood bias creeping in at the AFL. Somehow Fly seems to have seduced them with his boyish smile and winning Ted Lasso ways.

Fortunately, the wise Hamish Brayshaw (brother of the aforementioned and unfortunately injured Demons’ star Angus) was able to see the bigger picture of what was happening here and insisted on speaking his truth. Clearly the reason Maynard got off wasn’t that he was just attempting to smother and had not done anything illegal, nay – it was all part of a wider conspiracy:

“I think the AFL are desperate for Collingwood to win a premiership. They want the supporters to go nuts, they’ve got 106,000 members, they want to do everything they can, in my opinion, for that to happen.”

As the Cat in the Hat once said, “That is not all, oh no, that is not all!”

Spare a thought for poor Richo, or rather Channel 7 broadcaster Matthew Richardson. In the gripping final minute of one of the all time great Grand Finals, Richo had a chance to make his mark on the game with some timeless call for the ages, words that would echo through eternity. Instead, as an advantage call seemingly disadvantaged Brisbane he was simply left stammering, stamping his foot like a toddler and repeating, “That’s just ridiculous.”

Poor Richo was traumatised. I mean, I guess it’s not easy for the evil Collingwood cabal to understand what it must be like when you’re desperately barracking for your team to win the game and they miss a vital call in the final seconds… oh wait! Collingwood fans have only to remember the 2018 Grand Final and the missed block on Maynard. What a coincidence. So we feel you Richo. A good thing the Collingwood fan base weren’t commentating that game, I guess (As fans, they are actually there in order to barrack… doing their job, as it were. Not so much the job of commentators). But to return to my point. Poor Richo. He seemed almost to be… crying.

I mean, the Grand Final technically saw Collingwood as the ‘home’ team. But that is no reason to think they should have been given any advantage whatsoever. So let’s see what else could have been done by the AFL to make the Lions feel more at home at the MCG and achieve the correct outcome to avoid traumatising Poor Richo. There were some good innovations on the day. For example, Grand Final ticketing ensured supporters were roughly even. We were treated to John Denver songs and the Lion ‘roar’ after Brisbane goals. And Collingwood rightly were not allowed any acoustics of their own. But clearly this wasn’t enough.

What should have been considered by the AFL were measures to actually turn the MCG into the Gabba so Brisbane felt completely at home. The seating of every stand should have been painted blue, yellow and maroon. A giant humidifier should have been used to create a more greasy, Brisbane like surface. Umpires should have been given clear instructions to reduce all Collingwood frees to moments of insignificance in the game and always advantage the visitors. Brisbane fans should have been given amplifiers to increase the level of outrage and hostility heard whenever anything went the Pies’ way. These things were not thought of and one can see what happened as a result. The wrong team won and we were left with Richo as a gibbering wreck at the end of a Grand Final that deserved a more eloquent closing comment.

As with all the world’s big problems, the AFL is responsible and has failed us as a community.

Thanks goodness Collingwood’s early form in 2024 suggests they will struggle to make the 8. Otherwise this appalling state of affairs might be allowed to continue unchecked. And Richo would have to check in for therapy.